Sonar, Santa Claus
“What do you want to be when you grow up?”
I wanted to become Santa Claus and that’s what I answered each time. The job needed someone that could differentiate what is right from what is wrong and I was convinced that I was born young to learn how the world works and live old forever to give something thoughtful to everyone nice or a potato to those on the naughty list with a lesson of cultivation. Strange how the mind of a child works, isn’t it?
It was devastating to learn that Santa wasn’t real, but I matured. Such a magical secret that we keep and definitely answered the what would happen with the current Santa question I had.
We are all scavengers, aren’t we?
Young and eager to learn about adulthood, I looked up to grown-ups to model after and tried to answer that question for myself. Who do I want to be when I grow up? I desired a sense of accomplishment. I wanted to push boundaries and become somebody that my family could be proud of, and I wanted us all to be happy. I understood what society expected from me and took in all the great values that my family, school and religion were teaching me. Yet each seemed controlled and restricted with a perception to decipher that sometimes contradicted each other. How could they all be right? Came a time to test my own and hopefully cross some barriers along the way.
Children grow up and understand more than what they are allowed to, and the stuff in my head felt very elaborate and serious to me. You know; love, relationships and the fun bedroom stuff but I had questions that felt important but I didn’t know how to ask. Could I have a handsome and loving husband, raise kids and present myself in society without worries because it seemed to me like that was something reserved to girls. Was homosexuality so bad that I set out for answers? Unfortunately, people don’t talk about sex and their kinks without being considered scandalous even though it’s something that we all have and do.
I remember being at a garage sale and seeing a pile of the romance novels with images of hunky models and romantic story line that I had only seen on shelves of retail stores and saw an opportunity to learn about sex. I had brought my allowance, at fifty cents each book, chose three similar sized young adult fiction to conceal the book with aerotic chiseled cowboy on the cover that I had diligently picked and set aside. Controlling my excitement, I paid but didn’t let the woman touch my selection and risk her seeing a shirtless man hidden in there.
“There are four books.” I said holding the exact change out. She didn't need to see what I was buying. I didn’t run but made it to the car where one of the novels accidentally fell in the armrest component of the back seat where no one had reasons to look. My brain felt light and filled with stars, and the feeling remained the entire time that I spoiled myself in the writing of the author. I related to the main characters, and by the time it got to the light erotica; I was ready, it was dramatic and it was awesome.
The moment became one of my first scavenging experience and through the pages of the novel, I discovered that I had more questions that I didn’t know I had but an idea was seeded. I would pioneer the example I aspired to become and wish I had growing up.
I set out to learn about relationships and sex and how the world works, even if it meant that I couldn’t only observe the amazing values that I live by. I contrived a plan for my failures but not without first establishing as many short term goals as needed that progresses well into long terms to remain purposeful and well aligned. Lastly, an ambition for the people that I would meet.
#Porcupine, I don't have answers but I've collected anecdotes and observations, with a whole lot of questions, for you to piece together and figure out. Hopefully you’ll do it faster and better than me.